The Secret Love of You Know Who
by Black Vengeance
Summary: Voldie goes all soft when he falls for Hermione.
1. Voldie Confesses Love

**Disclaimer:** I don't any of their characters. Just their e-mail addresses (unless they already exist!)

**To:** houseelvesrppl2@hogwartsmail.com

**From:** theoriginaldeatheater@darkmail.com

**Subject:** I love you

For a long time I have felt something that I can no longer keep secret. Miss Granger, I am in love with you. I am very sorry to have blow such a bombshell but I am afraid that if I keep it a secret I may do something that I will regret. 

You may wonder why I have fallen in love with you Ð a mudblood. So I will tell you. The only reason people think I hate mudbloods is because I didn't want people to know that I had fallen in love with you. Of course I hated mudbloods before you were born, but that is not the issue. The issue is that your eyes are more beautiful than the birth of a baby and your brains are the most appealing thing I have ever come across. Hermione, if you will allow me to call you that, I am in love with you. 

Please write back and let me know how you feel.

Love,

You Know Who

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**To:** theoriginaldeatheater

**From:** padfootforever@hogwartsmail.com

**Subject:** Hermione

This is Harry Potter Ð you know, your arch-enemy? I would like to know why you've written to Hermione. You have no right. She is my best friend and if you hate me, you hate her too. How can you tell her you love her? Someone capable of so much hate is not capable of love too. Now please leave her alone.

The Boy Who Lived (ha ha)

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**To:** theoriginaldeatheater 

**From:** weasleyisourking@hogwartsmail.com

**Subject:** Hermione is MINE

Stay _away_ from Hermione! She doesn't deserve to have the most hated wizard ever loving her! Do you have any idea what that will do to her? She'll be crushed! LEAVE HER ALONE! She's mine!

Ron Weasley

(Someone who's helped thwart your plans four times!)

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**To: **theoriginaldeatheater

**From:** houseelvesrppl2

**Subject:** Re: I love you 

You must know that I am very flattered that you have taken such an interest in me and I would like to in turn confess my feelings for you, I love you, too. Please tell me what you think.

Love always, Hermione Granger 

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	2. The Girl Is MINE

**To:** houseelvesrppl2

**From:** theoriginaldeatheater

**Subject:** Re: I Love You

Oh, Hermione, I cannot express how happy I am to learn that you love me too! I have felt this way for so long and it is so great to know that you feel the same way. 

Please meet me at The Hog's Head next Hogsmeade weekend at 4pm. 

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**To:** padfootforever

**From:** theoriginaldeatheater

**Subject:** Re: Hermione

Harry, you must know that I am in love with Hermione and that we must not hold grudges when it comes to love. 

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**To:** weasleyisourking

**From:** theoriginaldeatheater

**Subject:** Re: Hermione is MINE

Actually, I think you'll find Hermione is mine. Look:

houseelvesrppl2@hogwartsmail.com writes:

You must know that I am very flattered that you have taken such an interest in me and I would like to in turn confess my feelings for you, I love you, too. Please tell me what you think. 

You see she loves me, not you.

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**To:** theoriginaldeatheater

**From:** weasleyisourking

**Subject:** Re: Hermione is MINE 

Well it's all obviously just a scheme to get you to think that she loves you so that she can get you out of hiding and then she can get the Ministry of Magic to capture you and you'll be off Harry's back forever. 

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**To:** padfootforever

**From:** weasleyisourking

**Subject:** Hermione

Harry, I need to tell you something. I've fallen for Hermione. Yes, I know it's a big shock but I have a bigger problem. She loves Voldemort! What am I gonna do? I want her! Not him!

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**To:** weasleyisourking

**From:** padfootforever

**Subject:** Re: Hermione

Ron it's been obvious for years that you've liked Hermione. Now, about Voldemort. I know this sounds bad but we're going to have to hack into his account.

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**To:** padfootforever

**From:** weasleyisourking

**Subject:** Are you mad?

Have you completely lost it? What's so bad about hacking into Voldemort's account? It's bloody brilliant, mate!


	3. A Plan With Voldemort's Name On

**To:** weasleyisourking

**From:** padfootforever

**Subject:** Plan A

Okay, here's the plan. We hack into his account and we send e-mails to Hermione that she won't like so she thinks Voldemort has a funny way of showing his love to her or something. Then, when he uses his account to send her e-mails, she won't be interested!

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**To:** padfootforever

**From:** weasleyisourking

**Subject:** Re: Plan A

Great! So how do we hack into his account?

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**To:** weasleyisourking

**From:** padfootforever

**Subject:** Re: Plan A

I have no idea.

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**To:** weasleyisourking

**From:** mugglehunting@hpmail.com

**Subject:** Guess who

Hey, Ron, never guess who this is?!

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**To:** mugglehunting

**From:** weasleyisourking

**Subject:** Leave Hermione ALONE!

If this is You-Know-Who I'm telling you now Ð LEAVE HERMIONE ALONE! I love Hermione and what you feel is just ... just ... How do I know what you're feeling, you're a psychotic mass murderer! But you're not in love; I know that!

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**To:** weasleyisourking

**From: **mugglehunting

**Subject: **It's Harry!

Ron, relax, it's me Harry!

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**To:** mugglehunting

**From:** weasleyisourking

**Subject:** Re: It's Harry!

What are you on about? I knew that! It was obvious! 

Anyway, where did you get that address? What's with the hpmail.com?

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**To:** weasleyisourking

**From:** mugglehunting

**Subject: **Re: It's Harry

Oh, it's a website about me :( 

Anyway, since neither of us know how to hack into Voldemort's account, I've created this address which I can tell Hermione is his. If she asks about the hpmail I'll say ... I'll say it stands for hairy people because I'm a hairy person! I know she's clever but if she figures it out I'll throw her off the scent, don't worry!

Right, Voldemort's going to send her some e-mail now!

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**To:** houseelvesrppl2

**From:** mugglehunting

**Subject:** Sorry

**Attachment:** Curse1.jpg

Hermione, my darling, it's me, Voldie. 

I was thrilled with you agreeing to meet me at the Hog's Head, but I'm afraid I've had to make a change of plans. I have a meeting at the Mudblood's Head in Knockturn Alley with my faithful Death Eaters.

Anyway, to show you how sorry I am that I wasn't able to meet you I've sent you a curse. Don't open it my darling, I don't want you to get hurt, but you can send it to Harry Potter or someone other nasty person who should be dead by now. 

All my love,

Voldie

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


	4. Confessions of Love

**A/N:** Sorry it's been so long - I've been doing other fics and I've been updating my HP website. Anyway, the more reviews I get, the more likely I am to update!!  
  


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**To:** mugglehunting

**From:** houseelvesrppl2

**Subject:** Re: Sorry

Voldie, that curse was so ... uh ... sweet! I know you meant well.

About your Harry comment, I really wish the two of you would get on! Harry's great, he really is and if the two of you would stop trying to kill each other maybe you'd see you have a lot in common - like your thirst for power, and your weakness when it comes to love ... though I have to admit Harry would never kill someone ...

I'll look into that for you.

Love Hermy

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

P.S Why the new e-mail address? What's with the hpmail.com?

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**To:** weasleyisourking

**From:** padfootforever

**Subject:** Hermione!!

**Attatchment:** Emailfromhermione.doc

Look at the e-mail Hermione sent ÔVoldie'! _She actually thinks we have a lot in common! _How could she? You don't agree, do you?

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**To:** padfootforever

**From:** weasleyisourking

**Subject:** Re: Hermione!!

Uh ... no mate ... I mean, just because you both have a thirst for power and a weakness when it comes to love doesn't mean you're _alike_ exactly ...

Anyway, keep on e-mailing Hermione as ÔVoldie'. I uh ... kind of ... want her for myself ... as I already told you ...

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To: weasleyisourking

From: padfootforever

Subject: Re: Hermione!!

Are you joking? I'm _nothing_ like HIM!

Okay, Ron, keep your hair on! I'll e-mail her - and there's no need to be embarrassed about fancying Hermione ;-)

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**To:** houseelvesrppl2

**From:** mugglehunting

**Subject:** Harry Potter

**Attachment:** Curse2.jpg

Hermy, my darling, it's Voldie. I'm very sorry to have to tell you that I simply cannot stop killing that worthless fool you call Potter. I know it may have meant a lot to you, but my plans to kill him are already on their way. I just have to kill his ginger-haired friend first - get him out of the way.

Just to update you with what's happening with me, I've successfully killed ten muggles! Are you pleased with me? I hope so! I haven't been on a killing spree in a while and it really felt so good!

I've sent you another curse to show you how much I love you. Send it to that mudblood lover or the arrogant quidditch player.

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**From:** sendthison@annoyingforwards.com 

**To:** all@hogwartsmail.com, all@darkmail.com, all@theministryofmagic.wiz.net all@magicalbeings.wiz.net

**Subject:** Confessions of Love

Hello Death Eaters, Hogwarts students and teachers, Ministry workers and just magical beings in general! This is annoyingforwards.com bringing you - yes, you guessed it! - annoying forwards!

You have all been signed up for this by: **_Albus Dumbledore_**.

This forward is about: **_Confessions of Love!_**

You must confess your love to someone within 24 hours or the Cruciatius Curse will be sent to you!

Love,

Annoying Forwards

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**From:** potionsmaster@hogwartsmail.com

**To:** houseelvesrppl2 

**Subject:** Confessions of Love

I wrote a song for you:

What is this feeling 

I've never known before 

That I should touch you 

Swearing to surrender ever more 

That's what I came here for

Oh, who am I kidding? That's a song by some Muggle boy band called Westlife - I confiscated the lyrics off a first year.

Hermy, I have been wanting to tell you for so long that I - I love you.

Love,

Your secret greasy-haired admirer

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**To:** potionsmaster

**From:** houseelvesrppl2

**Subject:** Re: Confessions of Love

Uh ... professor, it's not really a secret if you use the address potionsmaster@hogwartsmail.com

Just so you know, I'm flattered that you like me, but first of all we're not allowed to have a relationship - you're my teacher! And secondly - I'm kind of with someone else at the moment.

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**To:** doubledoubleagent@darkmail.com

**From:** theoriginaldeatheater

**Subject:** E-Card

Dear **_Sevvie_**

Your friend **_The Dark Lord_** has sent you an e-card.

**_The Dark Lord_** has included a message for you here:

Happy Birthday my faithful Death Eater! You will notice the card is about greasy hair! It's a muggle thing called an e-card and I saw it and thought of you! Bella is teaching me how to use these dreaded Muggle things - computers I think they call them - and I think that all my Death Eaters should use this thing - the Internet is what it's called, as Bella tells me - and that includes you.

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**To:** theoriginaldeatheater

**From: **doubledoubleagent 

**Subject:** (none)

My Lord, you know how much I hate these things but I am using them just to show you my utter devotion to you.

Thank you for my birthday card - I'm afraid I can't wash my hair, as I have not used shampoo in such a long time that I have become allergic. I prefer the greasy look, anyway. I hear the bad girls dig it. One Hermione Granger seems to have taken an interest in me, anyway. I'm thinking of resigning my post as Potions Master so I can be with her. The trouble is, I think she has another man on the side.

Sevvie

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**To:** houseelvesrpp2

**From:** weasleyisourking

**Subject:** Confessions of Love

Hermione, this is a really hard e-mail to write but I have to confess this before I break! Watching you on the Contuper all the time sending e-mails over the Itnerneck to You Know Who has really cut me up inside. I think it's finally time I confessed my true feelings. Hermione, I'm in love with you.

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**To:** weasleyisourking

**From:** houseelvesrpp2

**Subject:** Fwds are stupid!

Ron, you idiot! They won't really send you the Cruciatius Curse and if they do you can delete it!

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**To:** theboywholived

**From:** ginandtonic@hogwartsmail.com

**Subject:** Confessions of Love

Harry ... I ... love you.

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**To:** ginandtonic

**From:** theboywholived

**Subject:** Re: Confessions of Love

Ginny ... I ... love you too.

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	5. Annoying Forwards More Consequences

**A/N:** I've updated the whole story. Not many changes - mainly just putting things in bold and stuff. Anyway, this time I'm not updating until I get ten more reviews! I mean it!

This chapter's a bit off the subject but I liked writing it, so does it matter if it goes off the plot a little? It's nice to explore the results of Dumbledore's decision to sign everyone up for the Annoying Forwards **_Confessions of Love_**. Review and tell me if you'd like me to set up a story like this - full of Annoying Forwards in the wizarding world. It might be quite fun!

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**To:** sherbetlemon

**From:** notyouraveragecat

**Subject:** Cruciatus Curse?

Albus, will the Cruciatus Curse really be sent to anyone who doesn't send on that ridiculous forward? It's just, I don't want to uh ... confess ... uh ... anything that I ... uh ... don't have to. Why did you sign us all up for that ridiculous thing, anyway?

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**To:** notyouraveragecat

**From:** sherbetlemon

**Subject: **Re: Cruciatus Curse?

Why, Minerva, is there something I should know?

The reason I signed everyone up for that Ôridiculous thing', as you quite accurately put it, is because I had a fleeting suspicion that Severus had a small crush on Miss Granger and was going around the school banning all signs of love because he could not bear to feel such a way. Of course, it took him the forward to realise that what he felt was lust - Severus has never felt such a thing before, as you may well know. The reason I signed the whole of the wizarding world up for it was because I thought it might, uh, shall we say, release a little tension? I visited Cornelius last week and I noticed the Ministry was _full_ of tension! 

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**To:** sherbetlemon

**From:** notyouraveragecat

**Subject:** Re: Cruciatus Curse?

You didn't answer my first and most vital question, Albus.

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**To:** sherbetlemon

**From:** notyouraveragecat

**Subject:** Re: Cruciatus Curse?

Albus?

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**To:** sherbetlemon

**From:** notyouraveragecat

**Subject:** Confessions of Love

Okay! Okay! Albus, I admit it. I love you! Is that what you wanted?

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**To: **padfootforever

**From:** weasleyisourking

**Subject: **I have a plan!

Hey, Harry, did you see Dumbledore and McGonagall earlier? I _swear_ they were flirting!

Anyway, what you did to You Know Who gave me an idea. I'm going to send a Confession of Love from Percy! I guessed his password - it was easy! It was one word: rules! Ha ha!

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**To:** ministerformagic@theministryofmagic.wiz.net

**From:** juniorundersecretary

**Subject:** Confessions of Love

Minister, I am afraid I have a confession to make. I am in love with you. Can we ever be together?

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**To:** weasleyisourking

**From:** padfootforever

**Subject:** I have a plan too!

I guessed Umbridge's password - it's corneliusfudge! I think Fudge is going to be getting e-mail from someone else!

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**To:** ministerformagic

**From:** doloresumbridge

**Subject: **Confessions of Love

Cornelius, I need to tell you something. I've never felt this way before about anyone. Cornelius, I love you.

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**To:** padfootforever, weasleyisourking

**From:** houseelvesrppl2

**Subject:** Stop messing around!

Will you two _please_ stop messing around? Stop sending messages of love from other people. Oh, and Harry? I know your game. I went onto hpmail.com and it's a website about you. Now tell me why Voldemort would get an e-mail address from that website?

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**To:** weasleyisourking

**From:** loonyluna

**Subject:** Confessions of Love

Hello Ron. I love you.

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**To:** padfootforever, houseelvesrpp2

**From:** weasleyisourking

**Subject:** Help!

Harry, Hermione, Loony Luna just e-mailed me to tell me she loves me! Help!

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**To:** weasleyisourking

**From:** houseelvesrppl2

**Subject:** Ha ha!

It's not nice when people play with your mind, is it?

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**To:** theoriginaldeatheater

**From: **houseelvesrpp2

**Subject:** Hogsmeade

We have a Hogsmeade weekend this Saturday. I'll meet you in Madam Puddifoot's at eleven o'clock. It's a gorgeous little cafŽ, you'll see!

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**To:** houseelvesrpp2

**From:** potionsmaster

**Subject:** 100 points from Gryffindor

Miss Granger, you will have 100 points taken away from Gryffindor unless you come out with me this Hogsmeade weekend. I love you, Hermy, and I cannot take no for an answer. Please.

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**To:** potionsmaster

**From: **houseelvesrppl2

**Subject:** It's a date

Okay, it's a date. But we don't want to get caught, so could we spend some time together in the Room of Requirement instead? I'll meet you there at two o'clock on Saturday.

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**A/N: **So, will Hermione get away with juggling two men at once? You won't find out until I get ten more reviews!


	6. Yesterday and Tonight

**A/N:** Thank you so much everyone who's reviewed! I got a lot of reviews so I think I'll do the same with this chapter - I won't update until I get ten more reviews - at least!

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**From:** theoriginaldeatheater

**To:** houseelvesrpp2

**Subject: **Yesterday

Hermy my darling, yesterday was so wonderful ... it's just such a shame that that silly Mudblood with the camera had to spoil it, trying to take pictures of me. Really, I had no idea I was so famous ...

I liked the photo I had taken with Potter, though - I think the two fingers above his head really did him justice, don't you?

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**From:** houseelvesrppl2

**To:** theoriginaldeatheater

**Subject:** Re: Yesterday

Well, Voldie, I must admit I was rather pleased that you only did that instead of killing him - but where did you learn it? Isn't the... uh... two fingers... a Muggle thing?

Anyway, I felt yesterday was rather good too. Don't worry about Colin, what you have to worry about is the _Prophet_. I'm afraid we caused rather a stir yesterday - the _Prophet_ is brimming with rumours about our romance ... and now I'm receiving curses left right and centre telling me that just because I have a taste for famous wizards does not mean I can cheat on Harry Potter. Oh it's so annoying! _Witch Weekly_ is discussing whether I'm better with Harry or you and I hear from Draco Malfoy that_ Muggle Killer_ magazine is holding a contest to see who you should _really_ be with instead of me ... dear me, it's such a mess ... speaking of Draco, he's been paying me much more attention now that he knows I'm with you, he said he didn't realise I liked Ôbad boys' and now he's opening doors for me all the time and carrying my books and he even asked me for my hogwartsmail address! Needless to say Ron isn't very happy...

Oh, Voldie, isn't this all a bit complicated? Maybe we shouldn't be together after all?

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**From:** thedailyprophet@magicalbeings.wiz.net

**To:** houseelvesrppl2

**Subject:** The Latest from the Prophet

**Attachment:** ordertheprophetform.doc

Dear **Miss Granger**,

Thank you for signing up for the daily e-mail from the _Prophet_. 

In today's issue of the_ Daily Prophet_:

- Minister Fudge sets election date

- St Mungo's expert diagnoses Dumbledore's illness

- Sightings of Sirius Black - Dumbledore may say he's dead but these various members of the wizarding community say otherwise

- Auror's put new price on Bellatrix Lestrange's head

- Lucius Malfoy's trial - a reporter from the _Prophet_ watched and reports back

- The Prophet welcomes back reporter Rita Skeeter - read her brilliant article about Hermione Granger - Granger lands another famous catch - this time more unexpected

- The _Prophet_'s newest reporter - the _Prophet_ has hired Draco Malfoy for it's new Young Wizards section

- The latest Weather predictions by Sybil Trelawney

- Sybil Trelawney warns that male Cancers are not trust female Virgos - "Those born under the sign of Cancer - particularly those born in July - will have their heart played with by a female Virgo who has a taste for fame.

If you would like to buy this issue of the Daily Prophet, fill in the attached form to order the Daily Prophet for a year - or send us an owl with the correct amount of money just to receive today's issue.

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**From:** emelyn.shnus@magicalbeings.wiz.net

**To:** houseelvesrpp2

**Subject: **Betrayal to Harry Potter

**Attachment:** Curse.wiz

Miss Granger I am once again ashamed of you! First of all you betrayed Harry Potter with that ugly-looking foreign Quidditch player and now you cheat on him once more but this time with You Know Who! How dare you disgrace the Boy Who Lived in such a way! You should be ashamed of yourself!

Emelyn Shnus

P.S. I do _love_ what you did with your hair for your date with You Know Who! My hair is awfully frizzy and I can never straighten it as much as you have - and I've tried so many potions and tonics that my hair is actually starting to fall out! I would be very gratefully if you could tell me what you used. My Muggle daughter-in-law tells me Muggles have these metal wand thingies called _hair straighteners_! Is that what you used?

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**From:** belledor.rupicus@darkmail.com

**To:** houseelvesrpp2

**Subject:** (none)

**Attachment:** Curse.wiz

Miss Granger,

I have been informed by _Muggle Killer_ magazine that you have moved from Harry Potter to the Dark Lord. While I see that you've finally found yourself some taste, I must insist you leave the Dark Lord. You are not good enough for him - he deserves to be with a dark witch who will kill Muggles and Mudbloods for him, who will help him in his plans to take over the world and who, most of all, will make sure that there is a nice dinner of Muggle Pie and Mashed Mudblood topped with the blood of a Blood Traitor on the table waiting for him when he comes home from a hard day trying to kill Harry Potter. I do not believe that you will do any of this for him, instead I believe that you will lure him into a false sense of security and kill him when he least suspects it, or worse - leave him for Harry Potter! Think what that would do to his ego! I hope you think carefully before you go any further because I for one will not let you stand back and turn the Dark Lord good.

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**From:** mugglekiller@darkmail.com

**To:** houseelvesrpp2

**Subject:** We want to employ you

Dear Miss Granger,

This is Muggle Killer magazine, a magazine for the dark witches and wizards. First and foremost may we congratulate you on your great catch! Secondly, after our article today about who would be better off with the Dark Lord, we have received many upset readers writing to us to tell us how much they wanted to be with the Dark Lord. This brings us to the point of our e-mail: we would like to ask you if you would write a column for us every week, being paid 1 sickle a word. We would like you to write the column about the Dark Lord - starting next week's edition with How To Win Over the Dark Lord in 10 Days, following on with 10 Things I Love About The Dark Lord and so on. We feel that our reader's would appreciate such a column.

Please get back to us as soon as possible.

Yours sincerely, 

Muggle Killer magazine

P.S. Can I have your autograph?

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**From:** blondebombshell@darkmail.com

**To:** houseelvesrppl2

**Subject:** Hogsmeade

Hi Hermione, it's Malfoy - actually, call me Draco. I was wondering if you wanted to sneak out with me to Hogsmeade tonight? You can borrow Potter's Invisibility Cloak and we can make our way out into Hogsmeade through the Room of Requirement. 

Please e-mail back,

Draco

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**From:** doubledoubleagent

**To:** houseelvesrppl2

**Subject:** Yesterday

Oh, Hermy - if I am allowed to call you that - yesterday in the Room of Requirement was so fantastic! I loved the romantic setting of the cushions and the candles and to lie there with you, just drinking Pumpkin Wine, was so... intoxicating. Hermy, I only wish I could have felt your soft lips on mine - but that blasted House Elf ruined everything! If you had only let me kill it, we could have talked further - or maybe even, done more than talking...

Anyway, Hermy, it was fantastic. I'm so glad that I can be open with you now about my spying for both sides - I know now that I can trust you, which makes me feel safe. I'm also glad I could tell you about how I still cry every night when I think of mother, and how she left me out in the cold after she and father divorced, and how I suck my thumb and cuddle my teddy bear because I'm just so lonely. 

Please can we meet again soon? If we don't, I know I will break - I'm so afraid of losing you to the Dark Lord... I believe you when you say the Dark Lord threatened to kill you if you did not go out with him, and I believe you when you say that I am the only one for you.

Seeing you in the Great Hall earlier for tea was so fantastic and I know that if only that dratted Creevey boy had not found us in the broom cupboard, I could have felt what it was like to kiss you. However, I shall try not to dwell too much on what might have happened, however much I love you.

And I do. I love you with all of my heart.

Always yours,

Sevvie

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**From:** padfootforever

**To:** weasleyisourking

**Subject:** Hermione

Look, Ron, I know you really like Hermione but I have to break this to you... not only is she with Voldemort, but she's also with Snape. And I've seen her talking to Malfoy too - he was carrying her books and opening the door for her - perhaps something is going on there, too - I'm not sure. But don't worry - I'm on the case. Dobby, Colin and his brother Dennis are all helping me by taking it in turns to follow Hermione round the castle and so far they've stopped her from doing anything. I think Dobby said some of the other elves in the kitchen are willing to help. None of them really like Hermione after she tried to set them free so much last year... 

Anyway, maybe you should talk to her? Tell her you like her?

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**From:** weasleyisourking

**To:** houseelvesrppl2

**Subject:** Stop it

Hermione, I don't know what you think you're playing at but you have to stop seeing all these different blokes. They're all dark wizards, too! Why, Hermione? Why?

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**From:** houseelvesrppl2

**To:** weasleyisourking

**Subject:** Give me one good reason why

I don't see how my love life is any of your business, actually, Ron. And for you information, I'm very happy with the way things are going between Voldie and I.

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**From:** houseelvesrppl2

**To:** blondebombshell

**Subject:** Re: Hogsmeade

Okay, I'll come with you. I'll meet you outside the Slytherin Common Room at seven o'clock. We can't be too late though, I uh... have to be in bed early or I'll never remember everything for our Potions exam tomorrow.

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**From:** houseelvesrppl2

**To:** doubledoubleagent

**Subject:** Re: Yesterday 

Sevvie, I'm so pleased that you like me so much! I can tell you that all I've wanted to do for so long is put my hand through your greasy hair and whisper dark nothings in your wax encrusted ear, and kiss your cold sore coated lips... tonight, we will, tonight is the night of our first kiss and nothing will stop that.

Hermy

P.S Since we're so in love, can I get full marks on the Potions Exam tomorrow? And give Ron Weasley a naught please.

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**A/N:** So how many people is Hermione juggling now? How long will it be until Sevvie and Voldie find out about each other? What will happen with Draco? What will Ron do? Okay... that sounds like some tacky advert for a soap, but find out when I get ten more reviews!


	7. Lonely Hearts

**A/N:** Thank you again to everyone who's reviewed! They will all be listed at the bottom of the next chappie. This time I want ten more reviews for this and five for _Animus Recessus_ before I do the eighth chapter. Fans of Sirius will like _Animus Recessus _so read it!

By the way, I'm being careful not to get too explicit in this story - I mean, Hermione is a tasteful sixteen-year-old, she's not about to do more than kissing with her best friend's three biggest enemies! Even if this _is_ a parody... anyway I hope that's okay!

I'm not actually sure what I think of this chapter... anyway, tell me what you think.

* * *

**From:** angelofthenight666darkmail.com

**To:** theoriginaldeatheater

**Subject:** Thanks

Darling Volide, thank you so much for this darkmail address - it's such a great way to get rid of all the rubbish I get through my hogwartsmail account - and, as an added bonus, Ron and Harry can no longer annoy me.

I've been thinking ... we haven't met up in a while; maybe we should sometime?

* * *

**From:** theoriginaldeatheater

**To:** angelofthenight666

**Subject:** Friday

This Friday, my darling, we will go out. I have the most exciting thing planned! You'll love it, I know it - Bella said you would!

By the way, Bella is now with child and I must admit I have become rather jealous. That brings me to my point. I want a child. And unfortunately, I haven't enough time and patience to wait for you to give birth, which is why we are going to adopt. I cannot wait for Bella's child either, so we shall have to go to the CCCCC (Creepy Crawley Centre for Criminal Children). I've heard we can adopt the most wonderful dark children there. Well, we can discuss it over dinner - I mean, uh, over whatever happens on Friday.

Anyway, I have to go now, Hermy, my darling. Please don't let the ghastly papers get to you - I've already arranged for their deaths. Bella was getting hungry - what could I do?

Bye bye my darling.

All my love,

Voldie

* * *

**From:** houseelvesrppl2

**To:** krumtasticquidditchdurmstrangmail.com

**Subject:** Here goes...

Well, Viktor, you did say in your last e-mail that I could tell you everything, so here goes! This is what I put in my diary this morning.

****

**_Dear Diary_**,

Oh, diary, last night was so fantastic! I met Draco outside the Slytherin Dungeons and he looked well - tantalising! Anyway, we went up to the Room of Requirement, only I hadn't been able to find Harry's invisibility cloak. Which was fine until Sevvie caught us. Oh - the hurt in his eyes, I couldn't endure it diary! I told Draco I'd meet him up there and when he'd gone I did what Sevvie has been wanting me to do for so long - I kissed him. Oh, diary - his breath tasted of garlic and his tongue was rather awkward and it was the most amazing kiss I have ever had. I mean, Voldie is a good kisser, but he's not _that_ good! Oh my - I almost faint at the thought of it!

Well we were there for quite a while then - my hands got a bit stuck in his hair, but I didn't mind. It was quite nice actually! I let out a nervous giggle and he began to kiss me awkwardly all over my face - oh, diary! He's such an awkward lover - he told me he's never even kissed anyone before! I feel so special to know that I am the only person who has ever kissed Severus Snape! It's sort of a talent he's hiding...

Anyway, after that, I met Draco outside the Room of Requirement where he pulled me close to him and he felt his minty-fresh breath in my mouth, and well, I must admit I was a bit put off. But I let him kiss me anyway - I couldn't help it, diary, I'm so incredibly attracted to, well, not _him_ exactly, it's just the dark side that Voldie introduced me to. I love the feeling of danger, of doing something that I know I shouldn't be doing - despite the fact that I know how much I could hurt Voldie and Sevvie.

I must admit actually, that I'm not so attracted to Voldie anymore. He's just what I use to annoy Ron - and it's so funny to see how wound up he gets. If he didn't annoy me so much, I'd feel sorry for him...

Oh - sorry Viktor, I couldn't write anymore because Lavender and Parvarti started leaning over my shoulder after that and asked what I was writing. It doesn't matter, though, because they'll cry when they see what marks Sevvie's going to give them for their Potions exam today, however good they are.

* * *

**From:** blondebombshell

**To:** houseelvesrppl2

**Subject:** Last night

Wow, Mione, I didn't know you had last night in you! I really wasn't expecting you to come to the dungeons last night, especially when you were late. I must say, though, you looked so incredibly breathless with your hair up and that black make-up and your black skirt and that incredibly vibrant red top. I can't remember the last time anyone looked so great! I didn't think you had that outfit in you, Mione, I must admit.

I loved it when we walked through that thin secret passage - we had to squeeze so close and you smelt so nice and so intoxicating that I could barely contain myself, I just wanted to kiss you so badly, Mione!

I must admit, I was a bit peeved when Professor Snape saw us and asked you to speak to him about the exam tomorrow. You were there for a while, too. I was waiting for you for a while, so I sneaked to the kitchen through another secret passage and scared off all the elves by making them think I was dying and that Potter had killed me! That stupid elf that father chucked out a few years ago was there, though, and he told me I deserved it. Stupid little runt.

I can't express how happy I was to see you when you finally turned up. Pansy never looked as beautiful as you when I took her out. You know, Pansy annoyed me so much I used a Polyjuice Potion on Goyle to make him look like you and I made a big show of taking him out in front of her. Now that I've got the real thing though, it's much better. Especially since the potion didn't work that well and Goyle just looked like a bushy-haired animal with big teeth and clenching fists.

Then that kiss... wow! You're a great kisser, Mione, I must admit! We should try that again sometime!

I think it was great when we walked past the Room of Requirement three times, I loved seeing that dark alleyway appear! It was so dangerous that it was romantic - sorry if my pulling you close scared you, it was all because I wanted to be near you, I'm not easily scared... I mean, who would be scared of dark, creepy, terrifying - what was I saying?

Oh yeah, well after that, I loved showing you the Hog's Head by night! I took Pansy there once and she got scared off by all the weird creatures hanging around, especially the Dementor. But they're okay once you get to know them and it was so great that you would give them a chance. I'm thinking of setting up a club called DUH, which stands for Dementors Understand Humans so I can raise awareness of the friendly side of the Dementors and then they can live with us in harmony. I invited one to live in the Malfoy Manner with us once when I was about ten - there was this poor Dementor outcast by the others, all on its own. But father said absolutely not when mother fainted. I still can't think why they didn't like Dementy (that was his name).

Anyway, I have to go now because it's Transfiguration and I have to get a seat near the front so I get a better view - I mean, I like to sit at the front so that I know I won't miss anything that might come up on the exam...

Well, I'll talk to you later.

Lots of love and kisses,

Dray

* * *

**To:** lonelyhearts.mugglekillerdarkmail.com

**From:** angelofthenight666

**Subject:** Honey at Hogwarts

**Attachment:** devestatinglybeautiful.jpg

Dear Mr Lonely Hearts,

You probably know me, but in case you don't, my name is Hermione Granger. I would like to advertise in the Lonely Hearts feature of Muggle Killer magazine, as I am, uh, no longer with the Dark Lord. My advert is as follows:

Honey at Hogwarts seeks dark, dangerous and devilish older man, a wizard with a passion for killing, someone who does not mind being used in a plot against red-haired Ôblood traitors'.

All applicants fitting the above description should reply to angelofthenight666darkmail.com

Thank You.

Yours,

Hermione Granger

P.S Mr Lonely Hearts, if you ever feel lonely, you may also send a message to my darkmail account. I am open to all older men with a love for danger.

P.P.S I include a picture of myself looking rather windswept. I think you'll agree that the picture portrays me to be a heartbreaker.

* * *

**To:** angelofthenight666

**From:** luciusisagoddarkmail.com

**Subject:** Lonely Hearts

**Attachment:** sexy.gif

Honey at Hogwarts, my name is Lucius Malfoy and when I saw your picture in the Lonely Hearts column of _Muggle Killer_ magazine, I must say I fell head over heels. My wife, I suspect, is having an affair with Redolphus Lestrange (probably because I had an affair with Bella a while back) and Avery too, so I would like to get back at her. I also suspect she has a toy boy - some friend of my son's, no doubt. If you agree to see me, I could get back at her whilst having great fun too.

You can see if you like me by having a look at my picture. I took it topless because I thought it would impress you to show off my muscles. Don't worry about the flab, or the third nipple - no one need know... My wife, Narcissa, says I'm quite cuddly and that my third nipple is good to nibble. Feel free to try for yourself.

Anyway, please get back to me.

Lucius (Or you can call me Cius - I think it sounds quite cool and god-like, don't you?)

* * *

**To:** luciusisagod

**From:** angelofthenight666

**Subject: **Re: Lonely Hearts

Lucius, I _loved_ that picture! I must say you did look rather captivating! Meet me in the Shrieking Shack tonight at ten.

* * *

**To:** padfootforever

**From:** houseelvesrppl2

**Subject: **I've been naughty

Harry, I've been a bad girl! Would you please forgive me and meet me outside the Room of Requirement tonight at eleven? Please Harry, I love you so much - I cannot go on living unless I am by your side.


End file.
